Air Carl

Washroom woes and other sad thoughts November 5, 2009

Posted by carlrosen in The Decline Of Civilization As We Know It.
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In our every day lives we all find something that makes us very sad. Not just a tad upset, mind you, but downright depressed. Beyond blue. Purple. Is it possible that I am perhaps just a bit sensitive when it comes to certain things? You tell me.

Whenever I visit a public rest room, I descend into that dark valley. I am viewing the decline of humanity. No, not the horrendous mess that someone left in the bathroom stall. No, not the miniature museum of obscene writings and cartoons written in black magic marker all over the bathroom walls.

It’s a prominent sign posted just above the paper towel dispenser.

“Please wash hands thoroughly after using the toilet…”

NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Suppose someone has never washed their hands before? I’m 100% certain that such a person exists. Probably thousands of them. So for those people we need more explicit instructions.

“Use soap and warm water…” Yeah, OK. What do I do then?

“Gently rub hands together and let the water rinse the soap off your miserable, empty-headed, disgusting waste of protoplasm.”

OK, I added the part about “you miserable empty-headed waste of protoplasm”. But as they say, the best is saved for last.

Now that I have washed my hands and gently rubbed them with soap and let the water rinse the soap off, what do I do next?

Have no fear, there’s written instructions for every possible thought in your head. “Dry hands by wiping with clean dispensed paper or other sanitary paper item.”

I am totally stupefied at what I DO NOT see on this sign. Nowhere does it say, “And don’t wipe your hands on your pants, you hopelessly pathetic moron!”

OK, I added the “you hopelessly pathetic moron” part.

Does it not sadden you to no end that someone somewhere actually sees a need for such a sign? Do any of you out there in blogland know someone who is totally helpless in a public restroom without explicit written instructions? I also wonder- where is the sign with instructions on how to eliminate various waste from one’s body?

I began composing such a sign just the other day. All I have come up with so far is, “1. Stop walking. 2. Loosen belt.” I’m still working on it. I must be sure to be thorough as to cover every possible error that commonly occurs during the process of waste elimination.

To add insult to injury, many- if not most- public restrooms have faucets that turn on and off automatically. This is the restroom owner’s way of saying “We know that you are too feeble-minded to know how to properly operate a faucet to dispense water, so we’re going to do it for you.”

I’m sick and tired of being treated as if I just received a lobotomy or a 50,000 volt electric shock.

I’m also saddened to no end by the famous, eco-friendly, sanitary, easy to use HAND DRYER. Yes. Let’s spare a tree by blowing luke warm air on a person’s wet hands. Did anyone ever try to gauge just how much electricity is used by one of these fire-breathing demons? Each hand dryer is different. Some are very weak and sound like a donkey with asthma. On the other extreme, there are the hand drying devices that sound like a Saturn V rocket being launched and put out just about the same amount of heat.

In previous years some restrooms had that dispensed cloth rag device that seemed to house 10,000 cubic yards of cloth rotating into infinity back into the box from which it came. I believe that this method has gone by the wayside.

If you’re lucky, the restroom you visit will have a real person in it who proudly carries the title “washroom assistant.” Isn’t that a most prestigious title? Can one get a degree in “washroom technology”? These lucky people are there to greet you immediately following your enjoyable “waste elimination” session. They are there to offer you a fresh, new, clean piece of sanitary paper to dry your hands which you haven’t even washed yet. And don’t try to skip out without washing your hands because the “washroom assistant” will give you a look that you would prefer to do without. The “washroom assistant” also has a collection of colognes both cheap and also the ones that the store keeps behind bulletproof glass. The glass is used just in case someone gets a case of “cologne rage” and tries to shoot up a showcase full of Drakkar and Fendi. Before you depart the restroom, you are given the option of tipping the “washroom assistant.” I feel that if I am required to tip someone after every bodily function then I need to start stuffing coins into the Kleenex box. So it’s no wonder that I feel like crying whenever I have the urge to “go.”

As TV cop Lt. Columbo used to say. “Oh, one more thing.”

My one more thing is another instance in which I am convinced that common sense is something that people used to have but are no longer expected to have. Whenever I am on my PC and I am required to give my vital statistics for something like an electronic purchase, I am asked to disclose what state I live in.

In case some of you don’t know, the United States Postal Service has a two letter code for each of the fifty states.  It seems as though too many people out there have no earthly idea what the code for their state is. May I remind you that we are talking about simply TWO letters?

I realize that people’s minds are cluttered with way too much information. What will Lindsay Lohan wear to the Oscars? (even though she will not only never win one, but never be nominated for one either) What’s “Octomom” up to these days? Where can I find that book that Oprah was talking about? Yes it’s a busy world out there. Who has the time or the cranial capacity to remember the two letter code for the state you live in?

FEAR NOT! We here at the world of computer information have taken into consideration that most of you out there have the intelligence of a stalk of celery. Therefore we will let you choose from this list of all fifty states which one you live in, because we know that you’re way too busy concerning yourself with more important things than what the two letter code is for the state you live in.

Are people that easily baffled? Are there actually people living in Arkansas who have to sit there and wonder “is it AK? AR? AS?” I firmly believe that the more people are treated like they are half as smart as a Manatee, the dumber they will become. You will see signs that instruct you for your basic thoughts and bodily functions. For example, I believe that very soon you will see a sign that says “Continue breathing normally.” Another item in our future from the people who brought you “spell check” will be a computer program called “thought check.”

After you type something, you can click on “thought check” where you will see a little box appear on your screen with a cartoon of a human brain with eyes and stick figure arms and legs that asks you “are you sure you want to say this?”